human condition..
that is something i've been thinking about lately
i posted a quote by cs lewis in my last post that made me think

"we are all fallen creatures and all very difficult to live with"
cs lewis

and how true this is..
we are difficult to love
we are difficult to live with
we are difficult to talk to
we are difficult to help
we are difficult to teach
we are difficult to be taught
we are just difficult.

thank God for His grace and mercy
and for the his redeeming power in my life
through the cross..
i do not get what i deserve.

John 8:5-12 (The Message)

The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?" They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him.

Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone." Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt.

Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Its funny how everything you thought you knew..
changes so quickly and your left wondering

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. He only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.
C.S Lewis A Grief Observed



"'You would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you,'" said the Lion."
The Silver Chair

... God is calling.
and he is near.

"'Don't you mind him,' said Puddleglum. 'There are no accidents. Our guide is Aslan.'"
The Silver Chair

To love at all is to be vulnerable. --C.S. Lewis

“We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with” C.S Lewis

this quotes makes me laugh..
but oh is it sooo true.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” CS Lewis

My Father is the way in which I see everything he is my window into the world.. and i am the reflection.

seasons are changing....

things change, people change
but God remains the same.
i'm so thankful for that.

and the game, if you will - keeps on changing...
i pray that who i am will be a spark
because of who God is.
how did this happen?
i was not expecting it..
but i know there is purpose in it.

On a good day, enjoy yourself;
On a bad day, examine your conscience.
God arranges for both kinds of days
So that we won't take anything for granted.
Ecclesiastes 7:14

carpe diem.

Mortals make elaborate plans, but God has the last word.
Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good;
God probes for what is good.
Put God in charge of your work,
then what you've planned will take place.
Proverbs 16:1-3

We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God's purpose prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

So don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers. Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!" of God
All I'm doing right now, friends, is showing how these things pertain to Apollos and me so that you will learn restraint and not rush into making judgments without knowing all the facts. It's important to look at things from God's point of view. I would rather not see you inflating or deflating reputations based on mere hearsay.
1 Corinthians 4:5-6

... whatever may be.. whatever God's purpose is in this i know will be
but i can't see & i don't know what that is...
i will rest in his words.. i know that is good
and time will tell, time will tell......

sitting, waiting, patiently in prayer.
obedience.
one touch.

"The longer this waiting goes on, the deeper the ache.."
Romans 1:11

this was said by Paul in response to wanting to see his dear friends of faith
... and i can identify with his feelings.

so many things are stirring in my heart
everyday i discover
i'm seeing God in everything.
I am on a journey
sometimes its easy and sometimes its hard
but through it all i find myself becoming more dependent on God
and surrendering my will, my control - and offer my life to Him
that's all i want.. really.

"God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change." Romans 2:4

I'm learning lessons.
and learning that through my lessons
others can learn too
I go through my difficulties and such
for very personal reasons..
i struggle, i learn, i grow
but when i look back
i am able to say to others...
"this is what i've learned.."
I am thankful for that.
God is using me in ways i didn't expect.

i feel overwhelming sense of peace
i have desires and hopes
but i know surrender is whats required
restore and redeem


"I pray to God—my life a prayer— and wait for what he'll say and do.
My life's on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning, waiting and watching till morning.
O Israel, wait and watch for God— with God's arrival comes love,
with God's arrival comes generous redemption. No doubt about it—he'll redeem Israel,
buy back Israel from captivity to sin."
Psalm 130:6-8

"All I know is that I love you more than life..."

delight - to give great joy or pleasure to

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."
Psalm 37:23

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires."
Psalm 37:4

"But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!"
2 Samuel 22:20

"Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
Give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
Let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
And let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
Put your hand out and steady me
since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
I love it when you show yourself!
Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
I'll recognize the sound of your voice."
Psalm 119: 169-176

being awaken to thought of God's delight in me is overwhelming
he delights in me!!

new surrender
what does this mean in my life?
I feel like surrender has been a theme in my life for the last 6 months
continually learning to surrender, give up myself, my control
and allow God to work..
to pluck, prick, pull and press my heart
painful at times? yes.
worth it? yes.
I gotta believe its worth it, i know it's worth it...


"my heart and soul, i give You control..."

what a whirl wind week it has been..
good in many, almost every respect
but just a tad chaotic.
i started off my thanksgiving break
by going to see friends in state college
we had fun, ate thanksgiving dinner together,
played in the snow (i boycotted it), and many other things
I also worked a few days while I was in state college too.
so i ended up being there for 5 days

then off to meet my parents in scranton and driving up to NY
stayed in NY for 2 days..
had thanksgiving with the family, it was very nice
then back to my parents apartment near philly
I've been here for almost 4 days..
and tomorrow I'm heading back to Altoona for classes
2 more weeks of classes, then a few projects, finals, etc.

THEN christmas!?!?! crazzy how fast the holidays came this year.

I have a feeling the next couple weeks are going to be crazy
not only busy but stressful...
hopefully they go by quickly and are very productive.

.. thinking about this semester ending makes me sad
because that means i only have one more semester
before my life really drastically changes..
not really in a 'good' or 'bad' way just changes.
i may not be near my friends and family
i will have a job (hopefully..!)
I do know where ever God takes me
will be where I am meant to be..
i'm confident in that..
but i'm sad to see this season of my life pass
it has been quite memorable, exciting, tough
and def learned a lot - not only in school
but about myself, others, and God.

hopefully i graduate!
and hopefully i can find a job too.
or something.. i dunno
what God has up his sleeve

to think of leaving my dear friend stevie makes me very sad
.. it makes me want to just cry honestly.
i'm so thankful for her friendship and our bond that we have
i do know through thick and thing - distance and time
we will remain close, but i would love to live with her
spend my life with her, at least for a little whle
perhaps before we get married ?
it certainly would be nice.. but i'm not sure where God
is gonna put me..
i'm only hopeful and confident because God's ways are higher than mine.

today in church we talked about salvation and our road to it
it caused me to think about how thankful i am for the home i born to
the places i've been able to go and the people i've met
i've truely lived a blessed life..
i'm thankful for every person that i've come in contact with
my parents, friends, sibblings, etc.
they have all helped mold me and transform me into God's image
into a more loving, patient person that hopefully glorifies God

the other thing that i began thinking about today in church was
about peoples personalities, how we see things, react and interact
its such a odd things.. people are all so different.
my friends and i did the myers brigg personality tests
and really got into them, then my family did them as well..
my brother and i are the same personality type (really no surprise to me)
but it got me thinking..

some people are outgoing some aren't
while some people don't mind conflict while others may avoid it
but no matter what our personalities may be
God's love and His way is above all of that..
the way in which he enters our lives and transforms us
helps us become who he wants us to be..
yes our personalities will still stay in tact and
we will still see things differently at times
but it also unifies us and helps us grow

above all God is bigger than any personality
God rarely works in our contexts..
His ways are much higher..
i'm thankful for His way.. and His hand in my life.
what he's up to.. i'm not sure
but as always, i will sit and wait..
praying, hoping, waiting, and knowing God is in control.

my sickness seems to linger, unfortunately..
hopefully it will pass soon.

soooo in the mean time i make the best with what i have
less energy = more sleep
that is always a good thing i suppose.
trying to dig my way through homework
while feeling crappy is always an adventure..
you begin to pick and choose what 'really'
has to be done.. and you for go what might
not absolutely have to get done..
sad but true.

like now, focusing on homework?
ehhh that would be pretty hard.
but i'm going to try to
until of course i can't keep my eyes opened.

"Whether we are reading the Bible for the first time or standing in a field in Israel next to a historian and an archaeologist and a scholar, the Bible meets us where we are. That is what truth does" -Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis

sooooo true.

God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left.
Lamentations 3:22 (the message)

And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
1 Corinthians 7:17 (the message)

Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you.
1 Corinthians 7:17 (the new living)

all these verses really hit me where i'm at right now..
God is faithful...
and his mercy is new every morning.
being content, knowing God has me where he wants me
and he will have me exactly where he wants me..
i trust Him, i know that he will lead me and take me
to where i belong.
worrying and fretting would be a waste of time
and under mind His authority
in my life...

I refuse to be like the Israelite in the wilderness
and attempt to 'create' and "make do plan' to rescue myself
to pull what Peter in Prince Caspian did
he decided he needed to take charge and make his own plans
instead of trusting Aslan.. and his plans..
his plans only caused death, hurt, and heartache..

I don't want to make my own plans..
I want God's plans.. i want what he wants.
i will wait, i pray and i wait.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.
Proverbs 3:5

waiting is in the bible a lot..
people often waited..
it wasn't always instant or when the demanded it
or even asked for it.. kindly or not
they often had to wait.. trust... and believe.
ironic how today we still don't want to wait
yet.. all through out the bible people had to wait
plenty of people were healed instantly things like that
but often God called people to wait..
didn't mean that God was saying no or not listening
he was testing, refining and stirring up their hearts.
my heart... he stirs up my heart in this way.
i'd rather wait and be stirred
than get what i want and learn nothing.

to that end, waiting is exhausting
.. that is why i must surrender.
surrendering what i'm waiting for
knowing that it is better in God's hands
than in my little brain.. or hands.
i am not a child screaming "i want that!"
i must wait.

I wait in hope
for your salvation, God.
Genesis 49:18

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31

i was looking forward to this weekend..
and then this morning i woke up sick.
i'm feeling better now.. not great but better.

i had planned on going to a penn state game
(i'm even still packed)
.. i have yet to go to one
sad to say since i'm a senior!
but i think i'm going next saturday
so at least i get to go, its the last home game.
but sad i couldn't go this weekend.
wasn't meant to be i suppose.

hopefully i can get some homework done this weekend
so i have less during thanksgiving break.
i can't believe thanksgiving is already here!
this semester has flown by..
christmas is certainly around the corner.

this has been a really tough semester for me
18 credits, two math classes, lots of homework
just a heavy load.. i'll be glad when its over
and hopefully passing all my classes.

otherwise i'm in trouble.. i want to graduate!

i've been chugging liquids and trying to eat
so hopefully that is helping me feel better.
i woke up dizzy, nauseous, and headache.
i hated missing classes.

soo boring weekend for me.
but next weekend will be good
and thanksgiving break is so soon!

sooo yeah.
i'm excited to use my new camera with the family
get some good shots of everyone.
although my cousins use to use my camera
they won't be able to anymore..
this one is far too nice and expensive!

"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be."
Jeremiah 17:9-10, the message

"For the word of God is living and active.
Sharper than any double-edged sword,
it penetrates even to dividing soul
and spirit, joints and marrow; it
judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
Hebrews 4:12, NIV

"Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other,
in step with each other. None of this going off and
doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness.
Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the
run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your
lives. Instruct and direct one another using good
common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God!
Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—
be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God
the Father every step of the way."
Colossians 3:15, the message


I've been thinking a lot about the heart
its the center of who we are..
and that why God must inhibit it all
its complex, dark, and hopeless.
i am given hope by God's love..
just meditating on such things..

lately i've been catching a show on a&e
it's called intervention.. and its about families
who love their 'drug addicts' in their life
and want them to get help.
its amazing to me how dark, low, and hopeless
people go... it breaks my heart.
but it also gives me Hope in God's love
that I know, I know God's love is unfailing.

Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

as i sit and wait
i am reminded
of the one constant in my life.
God's love..
as i float and sway as humans do
God's love remains the same.

“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
- C.S Lewis, Weight of Glory

i seem to be reminded of this fact everywhere i turn
and it really has been on my mind for days..
God's love is constant.
meditate on that.

... i think i have viral pink eye.
the issues never end with me :)
and i sort of can't sleep.

its been a eventful night.
sorrow, heartache, joy, and even laughter.
the purpose of something is not always easily seen
but doesn't mean it doesn't exist....
or that it is not powerful.
I trust in God's purpose and His way..
even when I can't see, even when i can't see.

I have an overwhelming sense of freedom and love.
God's love is so indescribable and magnificent.
it washes over me like a healing wave of cool water
it washes away my selfishness, my desire to control,
my pride, and all my other luxuries I hold on to..
God's love covers sin.
s u r r e n d e r . . .
what a amazing Father I serve..
my heart screams, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

we all go through valleys
and climb mountains
i'm so thankful for the people God has given us
and the spirit of Truth he puts in our hearts and souls..
to help us through it all..
He never leaves me or forsakes me.
how can it be, how can it be?


in other news..
i just bought a "new" but used camera
... you have no idea how excited i am !!!
its my christmas present from my grandfather
its a cannon rebel 300D. 6.3 mega pixels.
it was such a good price, and being that it was used
it was the only one available..
if you know me at all, you know i love taking pictures
and capture the joys of life, people, and everything else
I've been wanting a "new" camera for awhile now
so, this year seemed to be the year to do that.
my old one has bright green gaft tape keeping the battery intact
and lets just say it has seen better days, better days indeed.

seasons are changing.
so am i.

"... it's time to turn the new leaves over."
-anberlin, the unwinding cable car

i'm sitting here enjoy some soup i just made
seafood chowder.. i started off using a recipe
but then i deviated and made my own creation
it is so good, i wish i had someone to share it with.

".. it's like a book elegantly bond, but in a language that you can't read just yet."
Death Cab for Cutie, I will possess your heart

i got a new cell phone today
i love gifts, esp things from the heart.
.. i was very excited to open my "new" used cell phone.
i've had issues with every cell phone i've had for like the last 4 or so months
hopefully this will be the last of those "fits" for awhile.
i really like it so far... so hopefully that continues.

8 months until i graduate, hopefully.
8 months to find a job, a place to live, but more importantly
to know where God wants me.
i want to find myself exactly where he wants me
he knows my heart, my desires, and he knows what is best
as much as i want to plan and worry ...
I know it is best to rest in Him, and His words.
I want to be where my Father wants me..
so, I will continue to wait on Him...

"... be still and know that I am God"
Psalms 46:10

i cannot tell you how much i hate liars.
i hate them.
being honest is very important to me.

Truthful witness by a good person clears the air, but liars lay down a smoke screen of deceit.
Proverbs 12:17

God can't stomach liars; he loves the company of those who keep their word.
Proverbs 12:22

my current situation however i'm unsure of what to do
lying makes me angry...
and it also makes me wonder what else are you lying to me about?
why are you lying to me? why??

If you reason with an arrogant cynic, you'll get slapped in the face; confront bad behavior and get a kick in the shins. So don't waste your time on a scoffer; all you'll get for your pains is abuse. But if you correct those who care about life, that's different—they'll love you for it! Save your breath for the wise—they'll be wiser for it; tell good people what you know—they'll profit from it. Skilled living gets its start in the Fear-of-God, insight into life from knowing a Holy God. It's through me, Lady Wisdom, that your life deepens, and the years of your life ripen. Live wisely and wisdom will permeate your life; mock life and life will mock you.
proverbs 9:7

Truth lasts; lies are here today, gone tomorrow.
proverbs 12:19

despite what I want to do... and my emotions tell me do
i know that it's probably not wisdom.

typically my room stays pretty organized
but once and while it goes all chaotic.
that is def one of those times.

i was up super later last night doing homework
way too late.
& then woke up feeling really awful.
my ear aches, my cheeks ache, and i'm just miserable.
i took a nap when i got home from class
so at least i'm feeling a little bit better now.
and thankfully tomorrow i don't have any classes
lots of work to do though..
at least i won't have to leave my jammies to do it.

friday i have a presentation on canada.
oh canada, canada.
i feel like i know the country better than my partner
i've spent more time there and have lots of friends there too
i'm not even sure he's even ever been there!
however most people have never been to their countries
so i guess i've got a leg up on that.

oh dear. lately i've been realizing
that i have a lot more of a story..
i've done a lot more than most people
my age.. that is pretty amazing.
the other day in class someone asked a question

about housing - in PA is illegal to have more than 8 girls
in one house, its considered a brothel.
in texas there is no law onn the books
because i lived with 13 girls in one house (not a brothel!)
so, my professor got a kick out of the fact i knew this fact
and that i lived with 13 other girls - not in a brothel
he started teasing me, and i get embarrassed really easily.
so then my face turned purple, and then he made fun of me again.
haha. anyway - it made me think, if he only knew my story.
if he only knew..

i'm thankful, so thankful for my adventures
and hopefully more to come..

a girl can dream...

ramblings..
i really need to shave my legs
i'm horrible at that.
one day i hope my husband doesn't mind.
maybe he'll love me anyway
lets hope... or maybe i'll get better.
who knows.. cause i don't know.

anywayyyy
cleaned the apartment today
apparently we have mice or at least a mouse
(my roommate saw it not me, thankfully)
but i'm told that means we have 'mice'
doesn't make me very happy, it actually freaks me out.
i told a guy friend today - he wanted to come rescue me
and solve the problem.
how cute
but no thanks.
i'm picky about who rescues me, seriously.

i actually went through my t-shirts
and got rid of a bunch.
i even took pictures
because i knew people wouldn't believe me.
but while i was doing laundry today
i still have a lot. its totally my weakness.
i found an american apparel shirt for a buck!
a buck !!

i love jim & pam.
i secretly hope to be them.
not such a secret anymore huh?
i'm so glad the office is back.
they talked about utica (born there)
and they were in scranton (grew up there)
how strange.. ! i love it.

spent the weekend with my friends in state college
i love my friends.
we had family dinner - it was beautiful.
had lots of fun, played games and loved each other
then we went to the fair, and ate wonderful fating food.
bloomsburg fair - they will fry anything you want
wonderful beverages.. it was great.
apple cider, they were making the cider on site !!!

schoool... well, its a lot of work
i took my first accounting test
might of been the hardest test i've ever taken
its was awful.
blank pages - numbers.
international business.. test every friday
homework too.
my first calculus test is tuesday
... going to spend the weekend preparing
because i havn't done very well on the quizzes
why do we have to mess with equations ??
what did they ever do to us?
maybe they don't want to be differentiated
i'm not even sure what it is, yet.
i should know though.

sooo yeah.
the last few weeks
even with all my school work & etc.
i'm so thankful, overwhelmed by love & grace.
God is so good. sooo good.

I can't express in words the gratitude and love that i feel..
but when i'm more awake and collected in my thoughts
i will share more of why i feel this way
but for now.. i just know God's love is strong.
God is kind.. and seeing his hand at work
feeling and knowing it
makes me feel weak and small yet STRONG because
of God's strong arms and love...

What gives me the most hope every day is God’s grace; knowing that his grace is going to give me the strength for whatever I face, knowing that nothing is a surprise to God.

There is no amount of darkness that can extinguish the inner light. The important thing is not to spend our lives trying to control the environment around us. The task is to control the environment within us.
-Joan Chittester

Where there is great love there are always miracles.
-Willa Cather

"This brother of yours was dead, and he's alive! He was lost, and he's found!'" Luke 15:32

I don't know what to think or even feel right now.
i'm scared.
ryan is in trouble.. he's been in the dark for so long
he needs to get out, he needs help.
our prayers have been that everything would fall apart.
.... everything seems to be falling apart.

my parents received a call tonight saying
"come get me" from ryan
and then got disconnected.
they couldn't get a hold of him
and finally his ex girlfriend called back
and said stop calling. (she might be drunk)
and basically wants him out...
screaming was going on in the background
she wouldn't let my dad talked to ryan
finally she did - he just said "please come get me"

i'm not sure what is going on
all i can do is pray and hope.
ryan's world is being torn beneath him
and he is at rock bottom.
where else can he turn?

my parents live two hours away
they are on their way but can't get there fast enough
i think a family friend is going to up there
i have no idea what kind of situation he will walk into
but hopefully he will be safe.

my heart is broken but hopeful.
Father, bring your protection, your love and your wisdom.

i love my brother
i miss him.
it would be really nice to have him back.

overwelmed with portfolio, presentations, quizzes,
homework and tests..
school has began!
.. thankfully after tomorrow my internship work
will be wrapped up.
I'm nervous about my presentation
and can't wait to finish the portfolio.

today i was preparing the portfolio
attaching the proper headings, numbers, etc
I needed to print it out and compile it.
but of course my printers ink ran out after two pages
go figures...
blah.

ran into a creep at walmart - (on my ink run)
pretty sure he was a drug dealer.
he had the dog to prove it.
he was so sketchy... i kept my distance
although he was parked next to me
when i walked out he was outside his car
i just pretend like nothing was wrong
got in my car QUICKLY.. and locked my door
altoona certainly has more creeps than anywhere
i've lived before.. ew ew.

i'm in desperate need of a male.
.. i know that sounds really odd..
but i'm the least mechanical person you may ever meet
and so i need a boys help constructing (not sure if that is the right word)
i bought something i need help putting together.
i tried contracting a male friends help.. or at least his power tools
he scared me. i am no longer going to attempt it.
he'll have to or someone else. not me. I'll ruin it.
i could also use some protection.. (see creep at walmart)
haha :)

i miss state college and my friends more and more each day
i've spent equal time in state college and altoona.
i didn't see my friends all summer!
I'm so thankful for my friends.
they are such a good support system for me
people i can laugh, cry, talk, and discuss things with
... after this year we will all be going our seperate ways
some to colorado, some will stay in state college, others don't know yet
(like me...)

not too many people have asked me what my plans are yet
but enough have to begin to cause my anxiety to rise
I'm okay with not knowing.. but i hate not having an answer
when someone asks.

first i need to make it through all my classes
and walk out alive in the spring.
here's to hoping!

I can't believe it.

I can't believe summer is almost over!
.. i always say that every year.
i soak in every bit of summer i can
but it never seems to be enough!
... classes start monday.
I need to get my job straighten out
among other things.. i havn't even started my list yet.
i already have a presentation !!
and "homework" i need to do for it
(i havn't even started yet.. ekkk)
I don't move into my apartment until saturday
sort of a nomad until then.

its been a challenging week & 1/2
certainly has had its ups and downs
moving is like death a friend told me this week
... that's how i feel.
i'm losing not only a home but memories.
my brothers and I are all grown up now
but thats where we spent most of our time together
where friends came over and hung out
where we laughed, cried, yelled and screamed
but we were a family.. those memories will still be with me.
i called it home for 13 years..
though i think i'm properly grieving it and letting it go
its still hard very hard.

I'm really not one to put down roots
or find myself settled in one place for the rest of my life
my dad told me the other day "I was a restless soul"
but with this move, my parents moving
its like a anchor i've always known as home
is now gone..
where is home?? what exactly do i call home?
it makes me long for home..

my seasons have changed.
and are continuing to change.
I am sooo thankful.
whats next?
i pray with anticipation..

on my long road trips alone..

A few weeks ago on my way back from seeing a good friend
i was driving home.. and just enjoying the moment(s).
I was listening to music, podcasts, etc.
I came across a new band, that I hadn't listened much to before
... and one of the songs really struck me..
I began praying.. praying for those I love
and those I know need to come HOME.
the last few days almost every time i get in my car
the same song has been playing on the radio..
Switchfoot- This is Home
I can't find this song anywhere to download
but i love it.... I'm going to post the lyrics at the bottom of the post.

the other song i fell in love with was Captives Come Home
this song is by Run Kid Run..
the song broke my heart and gave me hope.
i know so many people that are CAPTIVE
my brother is the one closest and dearest to my heart.
he needs to be set free..
last night was a step towards that
I don't know what the end result will look like in his life
or if this will stick.. but I know my heart is heavy
and screams ... set the captive free....
come home

and my prayer is... what happened in Luke 15
that restoration will come..
that - "This brother of yours was dead, and he's alive! He was lost, and he's found!'" Luke 15:32
i miss my brother, my heart aches for him to be alive again.

Switchfoot - This is Home
I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back

Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
Now I won't go back
This is home

Run Kid Run - Captives Come Home
Now you're lost but found
The sinking sand has pulled you in and brought you down
Struggle that's beyond yourself
Don't you know you gotta get up, get up and find a way back home
So hold on tight, let's go
And leave behind false sense of hope
Where creeping shadows call your name

As I'm waiting for the world to end
I'm clinging on to oxygen
I'm pulling captives by the hand
Come home, come home
Come home...

Words come and go
But how will your actions unfold?
Your character will be shown when lights go down now
Creeping shadows call your name (creeping shadows)
Possession is their claim
Now turn it around, turn it around

As I'm waiting for the world to end
I'm clinging on to oxygen
I'm pulling captives by the hand
Come home, come home
I'm waiting for the world to end
I'm clinging on to oxygen
I'm pulling captives by the hand
Come home, come home
Come...home

The world is falling faster
Falling so take this step and leap
To bring you over from the other side

I'm waiting for the world to end
I'm clinging on to oxygen
Pulling captives by the hand
Come home, come home
There's something inside that box you close
That only opens when your life explodes
On the other side, come home
Explodes, on the other side, come home
Come home
Come home
Come home
Come home
Come home...

Father, soften his heart.
bring him back.
open his eyes and
help him find his way back come home.


on a side note.. my hair is absolutely ridiculous this long.
never again. !
this was last christmas, its the only decent picture i could really find.

four days left.
then I'm North bound...
i'm looking/editing through pictures
mostly from last night
but also from the summer in general.
it just reminds me how time has flown by.
but it hasn't went in vain.

if i were to stay a day longer..
the sweetness, the preciousness of the time would be lost
i was here for a certain amount of time.
and that's it.
who knows if i'll be back..
but i know now my time is done.
its time to go back.
not to go back to what I once was
or how i felt
but time to go back to my family and friends
and to school..... i cannot wait to graduate.
and get on with my life already!

my heart feels different.
I've approached, surrendered and confronted
so many deep things
thing i didn't even know were there
or still there!
i'm sure there is plenty more to come out
but at least this is a start..

When I first got here
Nikki told me she felt like this season
was going to be a rainy season
that parts of my would come alive again
it would be refreshing, renewing
and that old would die and new would come.

now i'm at the back end of my internship and stay
(because lets be real folks, it wasn't just about an internship)
and i can say it has felt like rain
a soaking rain..
to purify, renew and give life.
... i found what it means (again) to live.
what it takes to find the face of God
desperation.
not a "equation" or "secret code"
its simple surrender and desperation.
you cannot get into narnia a secret way or even the same way
(remember lucy couldn't get back in to the wardrobe the same way..)
you have to wait and watch.. and in those moments
within yourself you will know.. its time.
i kind of feel like i've been in narnia truth be told
and i almost feel as though when i go back, it will feel as though
no time has passed.. (of course it has..)

As I step into my new season, new time.
I have absolutely no idea what it will look like
or what is in store for me
but I know I have a place to lay my head
great friends and great family.
.. I'm feeling very blessed.

I am so thankful
so thankful for God's faithfulness
and His goodness..
the love and care he pours through other people
and in the moments within myself I know His love
i'm thankful for so many things.
and i don't deserve any of it.

thankful..

after waiting and waiting
searching, praying and surrendering
i have finally found a place to call
!!!!!!!
i'm so thankful, excited.
everything worked out
every need i had was met.
right up to the very detail..
How great is our God?

on other note..
this season is soon ending
and another is beginning
i'm not sure what all is awaiting me
but i do know what I feel
I feel peace.
as sad as it is to leave this season
i feel okay with it, i'm ready.
as details for the autumn fall into place
and as time dwindles down.. (faster than i'd like)
I have peace. I feel prepared to let go.
i have an excitement to see what is next
who knows awaits me!

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly,

what is essential is invisible to the eye”

-Entoine De Saint Little Prince

"For there is a time and a way for everything,

although man’s trouble lies heavy on him.

For he does not know what is to be,

for who can tell him how it will be?"
Ecclesiastes 8:6-7

I just want to know...

waiting is very hard for me....

waiting on something that i know is going to happen is ok.
but waiting for an "unknown" is pretty difficult for me
perhaps its a control issue
or maybe its the fear of being abandoned...
(or both)
but my soul feels tortured, hurt and alone.
i know that its not healthy..
its also not of God
.. waiting builds character - builds endurance
and strengthens faith.

but it feels so dark and alone.
i know my heart is being tested.. my heart is being cleaned
and made new.. becoming soft and pliable..
despite how alone and hurt I may feel
i still have p e a c e .
perhaps that is the only thing i have to hold on to
peace - peace in knowing God has a plan
God has a plan! he has a plan for my life..
he has everything worked out
despite my need and desire to work it out myself
It's in his time --- not my time.
(this really been pressed on my heart today)
waiting on God's time..
will bring great reward...
my friend reminded me that good doesn't come without work
so I will wait.

"hope begins in the dark you wait and watch and work.
you don't give up....."
-Anne Lamott

just curious.
does anyone read this?

I firmly believe..

you know..
grace is easily the most overlooked act
it goes against all reason and logic to be graceful.
to give people grace and freedom.
its extremely hard.

whenever i interact with someone who is really graceful
i'm usually in awe..
how do they do it? how can they possess such love?
and typically they make it look easy too !
but when i interact with someone who's grace is limited
it makes me sad...
it makes me sad for that person.

whenever i'm not graceful which more often than not
if truth be told..
i walk away with a broken heart
knowing that grace would of been a better choice
a better way.. a path less traveled
but more fulfilling.

just as love never fails.
and its from my Fathers hand
so is grace.

contentment..

well.. hi.
I can't believe its July 20th already !!!
in a few short weeks my life is going to change again.
its forever changing.. which i like
well, i have a love-hate relationship with truth be told.

my mom told me the other day that
i'm here there and everywhere.
which is really a rather good explanation of my life
i really never know where i'll end up
until i'm there just about.
I still have no where to live this fall .. *sigh*
a few places are in the works, but nothing for sure
.. i know it will work out.
i have moments of freak outs about it
but in general i'm okay with it.
means i can stay with stevie and all my friends longer :)

i am absolutely loving my internship
my time with the people here
and everything else.. i feel refreshed
but on the other hand, i miss my friends.
i miss pennsylvania believe it or not.
i'm sure when i leave i'll miss FL too.
just might have to come back :)

i'm thinking about going to watch the sunset tonight at the beach
i've been dying to do it, and havn't so i think tonight might be the night
(gosh, i only have 3 weeks left, i need to get on it!)
the people i am staying with right now work until like 11 or so
.. i'll have the night free to myself.

some thoughts...
truth is since i started my college career oh so many years ago
i've always spent a lot of time alone
but after thinking about it yesterday..
although i do spend it alone, i'm not sure i ever embraced it
ever really enjoyed it, i mean i'm sure their were moments
but more often than not, i think i was really wishing someone else was there
or i was doing something else, throwing a pity party for myself -- whatever.
"grass is greener on the other side.."
never feeling quite content.

so yesterday i resolved to enjoy my time alone
and embrace it fully.
and you know what, i had a good time.
truth is, i always have a good time
its just i'm also always thinking about other people
or how if this person or that person was with me
so yesterday i didn't think about other people,
or how this or that would make this time better.

I'm trying to remember
that this time is really a gift, because who gets so much time to themselves ??
seriously!
when they are married or have a boyfriend, much less kids?
.. i should be thankful for this time and embrace it.
so i'm choosing to embrace
because who knows when this season will end
and i will no longer have it.
though i may not miss it..
i don't want to miss an opportunity to grow and learn from it.
within the silence and solitude of myself and with God.

i'm learning that even when i'm think i'm content
there is always room to grow more content.

love never fails...

it really doesn't.
getting angry, having revenge, or trying to get your own way
it doesn't work.
but love never fails.

in the face of injustice, selfishness, and everything else
the only thing, the only choice you have is to love.
love never fails.

in the last 12 hours that is all my heart stirs
love never fails.
that no matter what happens..
despite everything, love is the only way.
its the better way, it leads to eternal life
when this world is shaken all that will be left is the eternal
your love will be known.

i feel like getting angry and upset is "easier"
it makes more sense
but its not, it is not.
giving grace to those who don't deserve it
that was my Father's hand..
i will extend that hand.

burn burn burn.

i am so stinkin burnt.
so burnt in fact that i just woke up because of it
i was taking a nap, being burnt takes a lot out of you.
and i woke up because my back was hurting
.. this is why i typically avoid sun and the beach!
i used sunscreen, apparently it does nothing for me?
but after the burn fades, i will be tan - is all the pain worth it?
NO.
i still like the beach, i will need to use like a 75 spf i guess. :)

in other news...
my time here is wrapping up.
its starting to make me sad.
I exactly a month left now.
school starts in like a month and half.
thats is soo crazzzy.
where has the summer gone?

this season has been so good
i don't even know what has transpired in my heart yet
but i know good things have happened.
and are still yet to come.

whoa

I am so out of this morning.
i can't seem to wake up.
strangely enough almost every customers has felt that way
.. we aren't very busy today - not sure why.
i'm eying a cinnamon roll... in the pastry case
but should i really eat it?
I have a nectarine next to me..
i should have that instead.

ohhh dear.
I'm sitting here listening to music
a song just sparked something..
why is it everyone thinks they want to be somewhere else?
they can't be content where they are.
they want to be in another country, state, or with friends - this or that
just anywhere but here -- seems to be the mentality.
"the grass is always greener on the other side"

well its not.
be content where you are, God has you there for a reason and purpose
if you don't sit and be still - you won't know that
you'll be busy looking - for something you can't find.
but if you sit and wait.. but only if you sit and wait.
you may be surprised.
be content in where you are and what you have.

star wars, c.s lewis, thomas merton and etc.

those are the things in my life lately.
some i like, others i don't.

star wars is something i never seem to understand
the fellas here love it.

i watched the first narnia again last night.
every time i watch it, something new pops out to me
it never gets old and i always love it.

i'm considering going to see the second one again.
the first time i saw it, i had been traveling for two days
and i was a tad tired
really all i could think about was my butt and back hurting.
the second time i went with a friend and he talked the whole time
he kept wanting to know what was going to happen
and we had been sitting in church an hour earlier
so it just seems like every time i have seen it
i have been distracted.
so, i'd like to go and see it again.
plus it just never gets old.

i started reading four loves by cs lewis again
i'm not sure how much of it i'll re-read
because i've already read it once, but its so good
so we'll see, i have like four books started right now
oi oi.

my first thought..

my first though i had this morning when i woke up was
"i need coffee.. ugh"
however i was awake enough to think that
(usually i am dead to the world... and thinking nothing)
that in all likelihood I didn't really need it as much as i thought
anyway..

some interesting characters come in the cafe
i mean after all i'm in FL -
which has a slew of interesting people.
its so hard to explain..
some customers are normal, some are grouch
and the rest of are just weird.
such is the coffee business i suppose.
most people who like coffee are very paticular
they want things a certain way and only that way
they don't really like change... or trying anything new
they like what they like.
(of course this a HUGE generalization)

I've been re-reading some of the narnia books
i'm reading the last battle right now
i don't think i actually ever read it
i still love the lion, the witch and the wardrobe the best
and a few others better but the last battle is really good too.
i highly recommend all of them.

i might go to the beach tonight - not sure
i'd like to, i took an adventure on thursday to st.pete
it was fun, relaxing, etc.
it would be really fun to go with someone
but i really did have a good time alone as well

ps, jon foreman's (the lead singer of switchfoot)
he has new EP's out that are inspired by season
i don't have all of them yet, i have a few of the songs
but so far they are really good..
his songs are always so deep and meaningful
they are deeper than many people realize
so check it out.

dreams.

the thought of my dreams might actually mean something
or rather they are my Father speaking to me..
is rather humbling, humbling indeed.

I have crazy dreams, I always have.
but lately they seem so real life and meaningful
sometimes they seem like they mean nothing
and later are so deep.

its completely crazy.
... i do love sleep though :)

blabbering really..

I don't think anyone really reads this, which is ok
because I'm usually more writing to myself than anyone
but people can always learn from other peoples lessons i suppose.

when you enter a new place, season, or time
it always in a way tears you apart, breaks you down
everything you thought you were you question
people who don't know you, as they get to know you
you analyze and figure out yourself too.
why are you that way, why do you do this or that
you are you like this.. so where is the root of that
and on and on.
everything is laid bare.
you could i suppose put up walls, and facades.. but how would that help?

the process is rather frustrating no its very frustrating
however sometimes its necessary to back to YOU
it clears you down to the very bottom
and then in a sense you rebuild.

however if you are not careful you wipe out yourself
so you do have to hang on to the essentials
there are ways and things people do that makes them, them.
with all this being said, it does have to be grounded in Truth.
.. you aren't clearing the fields to put in weeds
your clearing the fields to put in fruitful plants

its almost feels like a funeral.. or mourning inside
for me, it does.
because something you've hung on to for so long, is dissipating
for good reason mind you..
but it doesn't make it any easier.

after re-reading what i wrote, that may seem a bit extreme
however i really feel like that really is the process in a person
when they allow themselves to be seen for who they are
and determined why and what they do is what it should be
or if they should
l e t i t g o . . .

sometimes i just don't get it...

its amazing to me how many people yank and pull on a 'closed' door and are utterly disgusted when it doesn't open when all along the sign right in front of their face tells them whether or not they should "yank" on the door. i've had some customer seem like they might rip the door off trying to open it, when we are actually closed. people need to start looking up and see whats in front of them instead operating on their preconceived ideas and thoughts.. .. ironicly as i was thinking about this the last few days and how often that happens to us in life we often make a rash decision, 'yank' on the door if you will when all along, if we looked up to see what was in front of us we would know better... and feel less foolish. going through life trying to open doors that aren't meant to be opened can be quite exhausting. and it can get embarrassing as well.

homesick?

i'm so thankful for my internship/job
and last night I found out that i got aid
for school.. over 2/3's paid for by a grant !!
it leaves me about 1,000 to pay !
and my internship is paid, a small amount but its something
so all in all my internship is pretty much covered
just living expenses, travel expenses i have to pay for.
so i'm stoked.

but i'm feeling a little homesick
i miss my friends, i wish i could bring them here
and i miss my family too, although i don't see them that much

tomorrow I have the day off of work... and thinking about that
makes me homesick
i don't really have any 'friends' yet
so what am i going to do?
i mean the people i live with i love, and their brother, Eric
but they all work and have lives, and tomorrow i have a free day
i guess i'll just wander around Brandon and find stuff to do
but its always more fun with other people.

but perhaps it will be a nice day out alone.
thrift store, mall, jamba juice, bookstore ?
it would be fun, maybe i'll find a beach even.
i don't know we'll see...

struggling to find my place, my groove and all that involves
but it'll come in time.

when will i learn?

sometimes when I give people advice and wisdom
i find myself not hearing it
so why tell others if i'm not living it out?
perhaps that is extreme...
but sometimes for example i find myself telling someone to trust God
and then i myself am not trusting God in a certain area or situation
when words come out of my mouth, i need to start listening..
because if i am telling someone something, i should be living it too.

i worry and try to control things
that i can't control or change
or if i were to control, i'd screw them up
sometimes i need to remember to let go..
the tide is coming, the waves are changing
and i just have to ride it out, enjoy the ride
finding myself in the midst of something big
and just know...
no matter what there isn't a need to worry.

i almost went to the beach last night
but this last week i worked about 44 hours
and this week i'm putting in some hefty hours as well
so i was pretty tired.
i ended up falling asleep on the couch for about an hour
maybe tonight I will go to the beach..

dude.. i am tired
but i have so much work to do.

last night i went and saw narnia, again.
sooo good although it wasn't quite as relaxing as i'd hope
it was a long day yesterday, i'm becoming an old women
up early in the morning, early to bed.
Narnia though was just good..
i have more to say on that, but i think i need to process it more

FL's weather is beautiful the majority of the time..
even at night, which i love!
that's my favorite time i think.
although i'm too tired lately to enjoy it.
i still havn't even gotten to a beach.. not that i'll swim or anything
(maybe i would i don't know)
but it'd be nice to watch the the sunset or walk on the beach at night
we'll see if i can make that happen in the next few weeks.

anyway... i should get back to what i need to get done.
a nap sounds so good right now :)

thunderstorms..

I hate thunderstorms..
I have many childhood memories of hiding in a closet or under my bed
during them.. they always frightened me.
but i'm not sure why..
if maybe it was because my mom didn't like them
or i truly didn't like them....

i feel like many times I allow other peoples fears to become my own
because my mom was afraid of them, i was too?
i mean it makes sense as a child i suppose
you see your mom or dad scared or fearful of something
and then we as children become scared as well..

but i think its high time us "children" become adults and realize our fears
why they exist and if they are something we are truly afraid of
or if we are just mimicking those around us.
even if they are something we are truly afraid of its time to face them
its time to hand them over the God..
i don't want to live in fear, but in freedom.

something about this new step in my life is different
something is new and fresh.

despite all the old things and struggles that i carry
there is still something very fresh and new about this time for me
i'm not sure what God's going to do..
this summer or even eventually
but i do know he is in control
i give him my heart to do what ever he wants
really grasping what it is to chase the heart of God
to be where he wants you no matter how hard it hurts.

new and old things are being stirred up
what the end product will look like, i'm not sure
but i'm thankful for this season in my life.

I am sad, excited, hopeful, nervous, and on the verge of tears.
but i also have an overwhelming sense that I am safe.
I am scared and as a friend said, "living on the edge"
but i am safe.
i have peace in that..
despite everything....
all my belongings are in boxes....
i'm moving, my parents are moving
and i'll be in FL all summer
but i am still feel safe
feeling very excited, its a new season, new chapter !!
but today was all about goodbyes... they are always hard.
.. and with goodbyes tears usually come.

saying goodbye to tunkhannock, friends, places, my house and room..
(that is no longer orange, so already not the same)
change is a natural part of my life
i don't always like it, but its something that always happens
i've grown accustom to it.
but my sense of feeling safe, and peace is from God
my trust is in him.

i feel like the first time I went white water rafting
(or anything extreme really..)
i was really scared, but I knew I'd be safe.
even if I fall in, I know i'm safe in God's arms.

my bags are packed, boxes are stuffed
i've said my goodbyes
and tomorrow i'm headed south
to begin a new chapter
spend my summer learning, growing, and developing.

let me just say though, the last two weeks
have been utterly exhausting
working, packing and working and packing some more..
i'm so glad that part is over.

pumpkin pancakes.. yummmm

without school work, i've had a lot more time in a sense.
I'm moving in a week
so that means i've been packing like crazy (so sick of packing !! )
and working.. which is good.
but when i'm not doing either of those things
i've been having friends over.
making them food.

last night my friend daria came over
and we made from scratch, pumpkin pancakes
i've actually never had them before
but let me be the first to tell you, they are amazing.
i highly recommend them, or better yet come over
and i'll make some for you.
i really enjoy making food for people
i'm not the best cook in the world, but people appreciate
(my family are my toughest critics, we all grew up cooking/baking)
the simplest of food...
and i think i mostly enjoy how it brings people together.
its like what coffee does to people...

I'm leaving for FL in a week
and most of my friends are gone, i'm so thankful for daria though
she's here, and we've been spending time together
she watches me pack :) we make food, talk about life.
i do however miss my girls...
being able to call one of them up to meet up for coffee
or crashing in one of their rooms for the night
i love what this year developed into.
it was a fantastic year.
busy, but fantastic. :)

i wonder what next year will bring?
sad to think this school year is gone...
i'm still homeless.. :)

i feel like my life is my own without school
when school is in session, it takes over my life
i stay locked away in my room, trying to motivate myself
to get work done, and when i'm not doing that
i'm working, driving, or sleeping..
working while going to school is a lot of work
i'm glad to say, i work for what I have
but sometimes I wish I didn't have to work so much.
because it would give me a little more time to work harder
on my school work, spend time with friends, or other things i neglect
when i'm in school...
thankfully, i only have one more year, a big year but one more.

with all that said...
i am looking forward to my summer
it will contain a lot of work
but i am looking forward to it.
hands on experience, community, FL !
i am just very hopeful for the new few months.
and i can't believe i'm leaving already!

ps, i hate packing.
i've moved more than the average bear
(i've only 25, and i've moved like 5 times in my adult life..)
but let me tell you packing never gets easier...
well, maybe it does, but i still hate it every time.

it could not be more clear....

I find myself praying for a sign
often when I'm unsure of what to do
or i feel like i'm lost, need direction and need wisdom.
I pray for a sign
many times I pray but I don't expect one..
how foolish I am, how foolish.

God has not only provided a clear sign
each and every time
he directs me.. where I belong
makes my heart feel at peace and feel loved

the next season in my life is full of excitement
some sadness, hope, and love.
I am still homeless for the fall
but I know where and what I will be doing for the next three months
and really that's all I need to know.
I know God will provide each and every need.
boy, am I really learning about living by faith.
its not easy.. but i'm growing and learning..

many highs and lows
through the whole process
but in the end, i know I'm in good care.
hallelujah !

its funny when you get to a certain age
you begin to purge your life..
realize you simply have too much crap
that is what my weekend has been all about
... four garbage bags and counting of trash
over a dozen boxes of stuff to give away.
i have so many books and cds.
i found shoes from 6th and 7th grade !!
(i simply have a shoe problem)
what do you do with your varsity jacket??

but there are still a few precious things
pictures, old letters, journals, things that i just can't seem to part with yet
... looking through all my old things makes me feel like it was another life
something i experienced and i remember
but yet seems so far away from now.
and it makes me feel so old.. yet so young
looking through all my families pictures, youth group, teen mania
makes me miss so many different people, those times in my life
yet i have my whole life yet to be lived.. !
my past has helped form and develop who i am now
but i have a so many amazing things waiting for me..
reminds me of the verse in Jeremiah..

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

looking through the past reminds you how many and how much
your friends and family love you.
i'm glad letters are tangible.
i really miss my brothers tonight.

I almost feel like i'm about to jump off a cliff..
life is changing, developing
my heart is in a place of hope and anticipation
i feel like its something big...

i ran the numbers.. i have to get a 87 or higher

watching walk the line...
i like it..

my to do list is shrinking
that is for sure a good thing.
i did my presentation today
that went pretty well
we ran out of time in class
so i had to do in front of just my professor
it then ended up being more a conversation
which worked for me.

then i had a bisci final
didn't really do any studying for it
thankfully ran into Pete
a guy in my class and a few other classes
he asked me if i was ready with a smile on his face
i was like umm
and he said, be honest..
well, not really.
he had notes, he let me copy them
and i studied for about two hours in the library
i felt a lot more prepared after that
and i think i did "ok" on my final.

i still have my business plan to hand in and do
and my BA 322 final
i have the next two days to do that.

i'm so excited about going home for the weekend and then some
gonna visit my family
get stuff done before i go to FL
purge my belongings in my room
i have so much stuff
stuff from high school still.
i need to really go through it all
it might even be kind of fun, who knows.

i also need to start packing my apartment up
i get myself in a tizzy when i pack
but its fun at the same time.
right now i'm all about purging everything in my life.

"april is hell."
my professor said in class last night, he's right
I can't wait for this semester to be over
this week was much better than last
and next week will be even better, thursday i'm done!
but still feel like crying almost ever day

the weather has been changing like crazy
last week it was in the 80's
the last few days its been like 40ish
today it began to change..
i always get a sinus headache from the weather when it changes
then your head pounds, and when you walk you can't stand it
its the worst type of headache
cranky, angry, overwhelmed, stressed, tired.

i was suppose to do a presentation today
and we ran out of time
another thing i can't mark off my 'to do list'
grrr.
i've had enough.

i'm so glad it'll be over soon.

i'm going to drown myself to in coffee, junk food, sugar, and dark chocolate
then i'll gain 10 pounds :)

"I"m wearing my heart on my sleeve
don't breath another breath
unless your coming back to me
i'm trusting you and i'm taking the long way home
i'm leaving and it's not because of you
will you just hold me tight and never let me go?
i know this whole thing wrong but baby we're invincible"
- A Rocket to the Moon, Baby We're Invincible

i've begun to live at the library
i spent all last night there, i left at 6 am
and i'm back in the library now
so much work to do, not enough time or energy
but it'll all get done, maybe not well
however it will be done.
3 more weeks..

only three more weeks left of school..
including finals. !!!!
which means only 7 more weeks till i move to FL
and start a bit of a adventure.. and my internship
my heart is so ready for this change
i already want to pack up all my things and go!
I will certainly start packing very soon.
i should be doing homework..

i love this time of year
the weather is absolutely beautiful !!
it really reminds me of God's love for me
its been warm even at night..
i absolutely love warm nights, they are the best to be with friends
and have bonfires or go flamingoing - or do anything really.. i love it.

on a side note, i wish i knew what blood type i was
and i'm seriously considering becoming a vegetarian
but i doubt it'll happen.

dude i'm hungry..

"new rule, you must eat before you come into work"
that was what my co-worker said to me today
because she says i'm always hungry
i don't know if that's true or not.
but boy am i hungry now.
what to eat.. what to eat.

my mom is coming next week to stay with me
it'll be nice to have someone around
and spend time with my mom.
i hope i'm not too stressed.. with hw and all

i think i'm watching a bloopers version of a sitcom
which is kind of strange to watch.

my heart is quite heavy..

reality check

life is but a vapor..
its here and then its gone
just like that.
reality of heaven and what it is
even though i fully believe in its existence
is hard for me - to understand or fully grasp.

a family that i am good friends with
recently lost their mother
she had been battling cancer for a long time
and was a amazing, Godly women.
she's now at peace, and in the arms of Jesus.
but I still think that it has to be hard.

losing anyone is hard, but someone close to you
like a mom, dad, or sibling is even harder...

its given me a reality check of why I'm here, on earth.
what I want to still do -- and how I can live my life
to better other peoples lives..
and what God has in store for me.
remaining content, and thankful for everything I have
.. my family, friends, job, education, and so many other things

though one day I look forward to being heaven
i also look forward to everything God has in store for me
here on earth now.

my heart longs for love
one day, one day.

yeah..

*sigh..*
life just keeps going..
sometimes it goes too fast and then too slow
but never seems balanced to me.
i'll be much happier when this season of my life passes
i know this time serves a purpose in my life
and its necessary, but its painful
and would prefer it to move along.

i am so sick of living alone and being alone.

i am definitely looking forward graduating school
and moving on to whatever is next.
i don't know whats next, i don't even know where I am living in the fall
but i think its gonna be better than where i am now in every way.

i'm striving however to remain thankful.. and content.
but its really hard.

sadness..

i'm always so sad after spending time with family
its always bittersweet.
i have such a great time when i'm with them
but after they leave, i'm alone again.
grant it, its the nature of where I am in life, and where I live
but its a reality check in several ways.
I hope next year is a little better than this year..
I'm not complaining, I'm thankful for where I live
and all my friends, but when you don't live with your friends
and your schedual is so busy, you don't get to see them very often
hence, being alone.
i don't like that part.

I can't wait for the season of my life for love...
i know every season and time has a purpose
and this is my season, and I will be content and thankful for it
but sometimes, i hate it.

i'm turning 25
boo
its not that bad acually, but i do feel old
old, in the sense I'm still in college, still growing up in many ways
feeling behind my peers, i guess you could say.
but i've also done alot in my life, so i'm not that behind.

just feeling a little sad and homesick
wishing my friends and I weren't always so busy
with school and work and life.
but had time to just be.
although i'm thankful for the times i get.

pretend

i've never been very good at pretending
which has never played to my advantage
well, thats a lie, it has and will always help me
but sometimes i wish i could pretend, better.
let things go without making issues
or not let things build up to a point of no return
i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve
for better or for worse - thats how i am
i'm not sure i like it.

spring break was this past week
it was good and bad
hard and still refreshing
i stayed here at school and worked for part of the break
and then got to go home for the rest of my break
going back home is always strange but good.
you know your parents move on with life
after you leave, but yet when you come back
and you see it with your own eyes
its hard... its their way of coping with you not being around
and i expect it but it doesn't make it any easier
it feels silly even to mention, why does it bother me?

i should say this, i'm horrible with change.
i love change and yet hate it
this coming from a girl who moves about every 2 years...
knowing that somethings changed or creating change is good
but when change happens and your not expecting it or like it
thats hard for me to swallow
i hate that about myself..

well?

I thought i'd give this a try..
but i'm now so maybe later.