blabbering really..

I don't think anyone really reads this, which is ok
because I'm usually more writing to myself than anyone
but people can always learn from other peoples lessons i suppose.

when you enter a new place, season, or time
it always in a way tears you apart, breaks you down
everything you thought you were you question
people who don't know you, as they get to know you
you analyze and figure out yourself too.
why are you that way, why do you do this or that
you are you like this.. so where is the root of that
and on and on.
everything is laid bare.
you could i suppose put up walls, and facades.. but how would that help?

the process is rather frustrating no its very frustrating
however sometimes its necessary to back to YOU
it clears you down to the very bottom
and then in a sense you rebuild.

however if you are not careful you wipe out yourself
so you do have to hang on to the essentials
there are ways and things people do that makes them, them.
with all this being said, it does have to be grounded in Truth.
.. you aren't clearing the fields to put in weeds
your clearing the fields to put in fruitful plants

its almost feels like a funeral.. or mourning inside
for me, it does.
because something you've hung on to for so long, is dissipating
for good reason mind you..
but it doesn't make it any easier.

after re-reading what i wrote, that may seem a bit extreme
however i really feel like that really is the process in a person
when they allow themselves to be seen for who they are
and determined why and what they do is what it should be
or if they should
l e t i t g o . . .

sometimes i just don't get it...

its amazing to me how many people yank and pull on a 'closed' door and are utterly disgusted when it doesn't open when all along the sign right in front of their face tells them whether or not they should "yank" on the door. i've had some customer seem like they might rip the door off trying to open it, when we are actually closed. people need to start looking up and see whats in front of them instead operating on their preconceived ideas and thoughts.. .. ironicly as i was thinking about this the last few days and how often that happens to us in life we often make a rash decision, 'yank' on the door if you will when all along, if we looked up to see what was in front of us we would know better... and feel less foolish. going through life trying to open doors that aren't meant to be opened can be quite exhausting. and it can get embarrassing as well.

homesick?

i'm so thankful for my internship/job
and last night I found out that i got aid
for school.. over 2/3's paid for by a grant !!
it leaves me about 1,000 to pay !
and my internship is paid, a small amount but its something
so all in all my internship is pretty much covered
just living expenses, travel expenses i have to pay for.
so i'm stoked.

but i'm feeling a little homesick
i miss my friends, i wish i could bring them here
and i miss my family too, although i don't see them that much

tomorrow I have the day off of work... and thinking about that
makes me homesick
i don't really have any 'friends' yet
so what am i going to do?
i mean the people i live with i love, and their brother, Eric
but they all work and have lives, and tomorrow i have a free day
i guess i'll just wander around Brandon and find stuff to do
but its always more fun with other people.

but perhaps it will be a nice day out alone.
thrift store, mall, jamba juice, bookstore ?
it would be fun, maybe i'll find a beach even.
i don't know we'll see...

struggling to find my place, my groove and all that involves
but it'll come in time.

when will i learn?

sometimes when I give people advice and wisdom
i find myself not hearing it
so why tell others if i'm not living it out?
perhaps that is extreme...
but sometimes for example i find myself telling someone to trust God
and then i myself am not trusting God in a certain area or situation
when words come out of my mouth, i need to start listening..
because if i am telling someone something, i should be living it too.

i worry and try to control things
that i can't control or change
or if i were to control, i'd screw them up
sometimes i need to remember to let go..
the tide is coming, the waves are changing
and i just have to ride it out, enjoy the ride
finding myself in the midst of something big
and just know...
no matter what there isn't a need to worry.

i almost went to the beach last night
but this last week i worked about 44 hours
and this week i'm putting in some hefty hours as well
so i was pretty tired.
i ended up falling asleep on the couch for about an hour
maybe tonight I will go to the beach..

dude.. i am tired
but i have so much work to do.

last night i went and saw narnia, again.
sooo good although it wasn't quite as relaxing as i'd hope
it was a long day yesterday, i'm becoming an old women
up early in the morning, early to bed.
Narnia though was just good..
i have more to say on that, but i think i need to process it more

FL's weather is beautiful the majority of the time..
even at night, which i love!
that's my favorite time i think.
although i'm too tired lately to enjoy it.
i still havn't even gotten to a beach.. not that i'll swim or anything
(maybe i would i don't know)
but it'd be nice to watch the the sunset or walk on the beach at night
we'll see if i can make that happen in the next few weeks.

anyway... i should get back to what i need to get done.
a nap sounds so good right now :)

thunderstorms..

I hate thunderstorms..
I have many childhood memories of hiding in a closet or under my bed
during them.. they always frightened me.
but i'm not sure why..
if maybe it was because my mom didn't like them
or i truly didn't like them....

i feel like many times I allow other peoples fears to become my own
because my mom was afraid of them, i was too?
i mean it makes sense as a child i suppose
you see your mom or dad scared or fearful of something
and then we as children become scared as well..

but i think its high time us "children" become adults and realize our fears
why they exist and if they are something we are truly afraid of
or if we are just mimicking those around us.
even if they are something we are truly afraid of its time to face them
its time to hand them over the God..
i don't want to live in fear, but in freedom.

something about this new step in my life is different
something is new and fresh.

despite all the old things and struggles that i carry
there is still something very fresh and new about this time for me
i'm not sure what God's going to do..
this summer or even eventually
but i do know he is in control
i give him my heart to do what ever he wants
really grasping what it is to chase the heart of God
to be where he wants you no matter how hard it hurts.

new and old things are being stirred up
what the end product will look like, i'm not sure
but i'm thankful for this season in my life.