Pregnancy: Our Journey
Announcing our pregnancy a several weeks ago was both exciting & terrifying. I know typically the word terrifying isn't associated with this sort of good news but I guess you would have to know our journey to understand.
You see this last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. We've experienced not one but two miscarriages. So the idea of announcing our pregnancy was terrifying. It really made it real. Not that it already wasn't real with morning (errr all day) sickness, food aversions, back pain, hunger pains & all the other fun stuff associated with pregnancy. Yet it hit Trevor and I in a way we didn't expect it gave us joy & excitement. All our friends and family were happy & excited for us really encouraged our hearts. It's been difficult to be truely excited for this pregnacy in a lot of ways because naturally we were scared.
The last four almost five months have been hard but everyday I was just thankful to be pregnant another day. I simply had to live day to day and nothing more. I couldn't think pass that. One foot in front of the other. It wasn't easy.
God's love carried us; his grace & peace covered us. We are so thankful for the prayers of our friends and family and being able to now share and rejoice in God's faithfulness in those prayers is so rewarding. All glory goes to God. Because we know that "God gives and takes away but blessed be His name!"
I'll be completely honest, the past year has been one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced. However I know I'm not alone. After I experienced my first miscarriage I began to research & realized how common miscarriages really are but it's not talked about very often. It should be. Maybe not right away but I think it's important to encourage other people & so we know that we aren't alone in our pain, loss & confusion. During miscarriags you feel so much hopelessness and on top of that to keep it a 'secret' & to feel as if you're alone sends some people over the edge.
I'm so thankful for a loving, caring, senstive husband that although he was hurting too (which sometimes sends marriages on the rocks) he walked every step of this journey with me. Certainly not without it's ups and downs but with so much love. I'm also so thankful for friends & family who stood beside us as we grieved.
Greif is such a funny thing. It doesn't make sense and you have no control over it. Something a family member told me was, "You have to go through it to get through it." She was so right - you can't pretend it didn't happen or just try to fake your way through it. You have to simply wade through the waters of pain and loss. It takes time sometimes lots of time & that's okay. Grief will find its way out one way or another.. either now or later (if not faced) in perhaps a sickness or mental illness. It's like a bottle of shaken soda it will bubble over. There isn't a deadline or a timeline for this sort of thing. I think one of the most important things we did was taking time before trying again. We tried not to make wanting children an idol or something we had to rush into in fact this pregnancy was unplanned but very welcomed! We simply surrendered the best we could to God and his plan. Knowing he had us in the palm of his hand.
Ultimately though I am most thankful for God. Despite all the pain, questions & doubts which I may not have answers to in this lifetime I had peace. All I could do is simply hang on to him in the middle of the storm. He sustained me.
We stumbled upon this youtube clip a few weeks after our last miscarriage. It was our favorite song/sermon for months. We would often listen to it on repeat & cry. It touched us deeply - it helped our sad hearts start to beat again. It didn't give us answers but it gave us hope. It helped us peel away the layers of hurt and see past it - to begin to understand God works in the unseen. We needed to trust & obey him. It helped us grieve the loss of our children.
So if you're going through miscarriage or have before please know you're not alone. Your emotions of anger, questioning, confusion & everything else is normal. Just know that God is in control and he loves you. In fact he is grieving with you. He never left our side.
"Be still & know that I am God'
Finding out a few weeks ago that we are having a healthy, very active baby girl seems like a dream! Something we certainly hoped & prayed for. God doesn't always answer our prayers because he has another plan. I'm thankful for His plan, regardless of what it entails. All the glory goes to Him & I will continue to be thankful every single day I continue to carry this sweet, little girl.
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